Saturday, April 13, 2013

Too Big For God?





Is there anything in your life that you can look at and feel like it’s just too much for God to handle?…
…Like it’s too big for God? 

Although we may not verbalize it, often times we can see a situation in our lives and think, “Yeah, God can do all things. Yadda yadda yadda, but this just ain’t gonna happen.”

I know I’ve felt this many times. Lots and lots of times actually. Sometimes it’s with finances. Sometimes it’s with sickness. Sometimes it’s with being a Mom to my children. Sometimes it’s been in my marriage. Sometimes it’s been my relationship with the Lord. Sometimes it’s been ministry. Sometimes it’s been family related. And sometimes it’s been all of those things, all at the same time.

That was life in Colorado for me. Someday I might share in more depth about it but in short, all those things played a part in me feeling that my stuff was somehow too big for God to figure out for me. Sounds silly, I know, and I would never say it out loud… well that’s not true. I did. My beliefs showed up in my actions towards God. I knew in my head that all things are possible with Jesus but lots of times in my heart, I lacked the faith to even seek Him let alone chat with Him about it all. It was too much for me so therefore it was too much for God.  You can know that same mindset is in your heart when in your prayer life you ask God for something while thinking He either doesn’t hear you or He won’t really change anything. It’s those faithless prayers. All it takes is praying a few times for something with strong faith and it not coming about the way you thought it would for you to then begin to start praying with the anticipation of disappointment.  I didn’t mean to be there. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t like being there, but I was a lot of the time.

I went through the lowest of lows during that season.

Depression.

Discouragement.

I was numb.

I was hurt.

Confused.

Lonely in my darkness.

I saw the deep parts of my heart and I hated it.

I battled between prayer and pain.

In all of it I never felt abandoned by the Lord, but I was confused. I couldn’t see what He was doing and I had no idea what He was trying to teach me. I knew He was actively in my life, even in the times that I was ignoring Him. And even in the depths, His blessings were present and His love was fierce.

Physically, I felt like my body was wanting to shut down with how sick I was those two years. It was such a mystery. No matter how many doctors, tests, nutritionists, diet changes, hormone balancers, prayers, fastings and tears, nothing changed. As soon as I felt like I was getting my head above water, down I went again with something else getting me sick in a new way. Some days were hard and other days I felt like there was no way I could make it. I kept wishing that there was some sort of “pause button” for my life just to take a breath for a minute without feeling the way I did. I felt like I was going crazy sometimes because of how intense it was. If I was able to get to church, which was pretty rare for the longest time, I would just do my best to try and keep it together without letting too much show.

My marriage was hit harder than I ever thought it could be.  People have been kind and seem to think that we have it all together and that we are always lost in lovey-land but it’s not true. (sorry to burst anyone’s love-bubble)  It got hard… Like really hard… Like the “I-don’t-know-if-we’ll-make-it” hard.  I’ll spare the long stories but it was intense for awhile.

I’ve thought about writing a series on “Confessions of a Pastor’s Wife” just for fun because the things I’ve faced and seen in ministry have been B-A-N-A-N-A-S!  As a wife of someone in ministry, sometimes you don’t have the time or opportunity to really deal with marital issues because your husband is needing to study or get ready for the next service.  It’s really easy to just brush things aside and carry on without fully fixing the problem.  If you know you can’t finish the conversation then it’s easy to just put it on the back burner until you end up with SO many things back there that it gets a wee bit crazy. And we weren’t the only “ministry marriage” going through the ringer.  We’ve talked to or observed lots of couples whether we were in ministry with them or they were from another church and it’s amazing just how many are going through some heavy storms that just have to suck it up for the sake of their ministry position. It’s no surprise though because if the church ministry staff is under attack then it can effect the rest of the church body.

{Love on your ministry leaders and PRAY for them and their marriages! Seriously! Do it! It can get hot and heavy in there and not in the sexy baby-making way either! Haha!}

Going through trials can bring you closer to God and it can also make you run from Him, or at least stop spending time with Him. I went through both.  I had moments where, even though NOTHING changed I was so close to Jesus and felt His presence so strongly that it was amazing.  Other moments I would push Jesus aside and get caught up in the mindset of the world and the things of the world.  I would linger longer in the presence of worldliness (internet, TV, other’s opinions, even cleaning and crafting!) than in the presence of Jesus.  It never satisfied but I still thought it might.

All this stuff to say, that even though life can get crazy hard, God really can do the impossible.  As hard as those two years were, the Lord taught me and showed me more of His beauty and that His grace is endless in a way I never would have known unless I went through all that stuff. My heart all by itself is a dirty rotten place and I saw that up close and personal in a way I never had before.  My husband used to always tell me that when we get shaken, it’s either Jesus that spills out or it’s our own junk. Often times it was not Jesus spilling out of me and I needed to see that.

There were so many hard moments we faced, many of which I have yet to share, but in it, one of the sweetest blessing was watching my kids through it all.  I remember one of our harder days we had that Moriyah walked up to us with her Bible in hand and told us she needed to read us something. She then read the verse where it talks about Satan walking about like a roaring lion seeking who he can destroy. She then said, “I got so mad! That’s what Satan is doing right now with you guys! He is trying to destroy you and I got so mad and started praying for you guys!”  She’s a straight shooter!

Seriously, in some heavy, heavy moments, the Lord would speak through our girls in powerful ways. It was amazing. God was filling in for us in all the places we were lacking. I’m so grateful.

Jesus really can and really does make all things new.  I’ve seen it in my life in powerful ways.  Like the children of Israel, we too easily forget the “BIG” God does and we can focus on the “little” He isn’t doing. I’m so thankful that He is so longsuffering and full of new mercies every morning in spite of what we think or do.  He has brought so much healing to me physically, spiritually, emotionally, and in our marriage. God is still at work and has been cleaning up some big messes for us. One of the most common things I wrote in my journals during everything was “I need more of Jesus” and “Lord, help me!” 

He did…  just not always in the ways I was thinking.

“And He who sits on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’ And He said, ‘Write, for these words are faithful and true.’” –Revelation 21:5

lovelove, abs

6 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing from the innermost parts of your heart. It is in that, that we become what God desires us to be. Love you! Thankful God connected us way back when...:)

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    1. Thank you so much, Monica! Love you too!

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  2. I love your honesty and beautiful heart!

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  3. Love your honesty and bravery Ab's thank you for sharing. Your strength of character shines through.
    Lots of love precious friend.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and for your sweet encouragement!

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Thank you so much for reading and following along on our family's journey! I'd love to hear from you!